Conversation #30 – Abuse and No Bears

Its banter and I just ran with it OK?

I am not some ugly whistling stinky version of Patrick Swayze.

Greg says:

Quality goods at low, low prices

Greg says:

Uncredible sale – must end soon!!!

Kenny second now says:

Alright already. Just give me a minute

Greg says:

Minute granted – but I’ll be whistling while I’m waiting

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_________5 MINUTES LATER____________

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Greg says:

Money back if not 100% satisfied. Are you avoiding me?

Kenny second now says:

Hell yeah. You’re ugly, stinky and your whistling is beginning to grate.

Greg says:

Fair point. Though its not impossible to ignore the whistling and any real friend would. I guess we’d better talk about bears then

Kenny second now says:

I do ignore the whistling. I mean I’m willing to. But it’s a cumulative thing. Could you perhaps alternate between being ugly, stinky and the whistling?

Greg says:

I’ll try – though I would think that the fact you can neither see, hear or smell me would help

Kenny second now says:

What can I say – I have a lucid imagination

Greg says:

So if you imagine I’m not stinky ugly and whistling would that work?

Kenny second now says:

Theoretically yes – its just not a believable scenario I fear

Kenny second now says:

I mean take away your ugliness stink and whistling and what have you got?

Greg says:

I don’t know

Kenny second now says:

Nor do I – it looks kind of like Patrick Swayze though

Greg says:

I don’t look like Patrick Swayze

Kenny second now says:

There’s my point. Take away the ugly stinky whilstlitude and your essence goes with it

Greg says:

But without the ugly stinky whistling you see me as Patrick Swayze? It must be these dancers’ legs of mine

Kenny second now says:

Saying that its more Kurt Russell from this angle

Greg says:

Perhaps if you downgraded the stinkiness and concentrated on the left side of my face – its more photogenic

Kenny second now says:

My left or your left?

Greg says:

My left – and turn down your imaginary lighting a bit

Kenny second now says:

Well I wouldn’t say it actually fixes the ugly but you ain’t hideously ugly from that side

Greg says:

Thanks ken – that means a lot from you

Kenny second now says:

I guess it isn’t exactly you but close enough that it can’t be anyone else

Greg says:

Can we talk about bears now?

Kenny second now says:

No

Greg says:

How come? – the black bear is particularly fascinating

Kenny second now says:

Cos I’ve gotta go – cu

Conversation #29 – Eunuchs and efficiency

Greg says:

What are you doing?

Kenny second now says:

I am sitting at my desk – drinking coffee and watching the world

Greg says:

And they say men can’t multitask

Kenny second now says:

Who do?

Greg says:

Well women mostly – some ladyboys too - perhaps the odd eunuch.

Kenny second now says:

Hemaphrodites?

Greg says:

Hermaphrodites – it has an R – I counted them in the lady boy category

Kenny second now says:

Ladyboys aren’t hermaphroditic are they? I thought they were transsexuals

Greg says:

Well yes – fine – change above to women mostly – some persons of unconventional gender – perhaps the odd eunuch

Kenny second now says:

And this is ‘they’

Greg says:

Pretty much

Kenny second now says:

Cheeky buggers

Greg says:

Exactly – and you there sitting, drinking, watching and typing practically simultaneously

Kenny second now says:

You know how all the servants in some palaces used to be eunuchs

Greg says:

Yeah. Well kind of – which palaces?

Kenny second now says:

I don’t know – any palaces – what does it matter?

Greg says:

Well if they are just a myth it matters a good deal

Kenny second now says:

Wikipedia Eunuch – they were real – they were all over the place

Kenny second now says:

Were they employed because they could multitask?

Greg says:

Lol. Theres a self help book waiting to be written
Kenny second now says:

Improved personal efficiency – Nature’s Way? (bolt-cutters not included)

Greg says:

The Black-and-Decker guide to success

Kenny second now says:

Spay your way to riches

Greg says:

Nice. Have you got a suggestion box at work?

Conversations Without Kenny

Its about 12.15 and we get ourselves a break from Kenny

Greg says:

Good morning fair maiden

Alpha female says:

It’s gone midday G but hey anyway

Greg says:

And it isn’t even notably good – good morning or mediocre afternoon: your choice

Alpha female says:

I take them both then and blend up a good afternoon

Greg says:

You can’t do that. Choice – choose – either or – no cake and eating it too

Alpha female says:

I can do it. I have done it. I will do it again.

Greg says:

Fine – you know full well that it isn’t afternoon anyway

Alpha female says:

Noon is 12pm. It is after 12pm. Noon is past. It is after noon. Do you want a picture?

Greg says:

Afternoons existed long before 12pm existed and you know as well as I do that afternoon doesn’t start until after lunch.

Alpha female says:

I’ve already eaten

Greg says:

Liar

Alpha female says:

Type that again – I dare ya

Greg says:

Fine – you’ve eaten - but whatever you ate wasn’t lunch

Alpha female says:

It was an egg-mayo sandwich, some potato salad, a banana and a cup of tea – how is that not a lunch?

Greg says:

Timing – at best we are talking brunch

Alpha female says:

Crap – it was a early lunch meeting – if it had been brunch it would have been altogether less nasty

Alpha female says:

There would have been pain au chocolat and OJ and a butch Albanian caterer wearing only an apron and bow tie

Greg says:

You can’t trust everything you see on TV you know

Alpha female says:

He’s called Janos – and the apron twitches as he wallks

Greg says:

He’s got a hairy back and stubby fingers

Alpha female says:

Hoi. Out of this fantasy now.

Greg says:

You made it public domain - odd how much Janos looks like your dad don’t you think?

Alpha female says:

Time to go I think

Greg says:

Ta-ra Tara

Alpha female says:

The originality of that joke overwhelms me. Be gone

Greg says:

Oh! One last thing

Alpha female says:

yes

Greg says:

Did you get that banana specifically to freak out the male members of your meeting?

Alpha female says:

I ain’t saying a word

Greg says:

I knew it!!

Conversation #28 – The Hate

Greg reveals a great sorrow and is distained for his pains

Greg says:

Do you know what I hate?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Yep – teenagers with dirtbikes

Greg says:

That’s true. Filthy rodents. But it ain’t topical. Do you know what I hate right now?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Well my guess is that whether or not you were hating something a minute back you are now thinking about kids on dirtbikes

Greg says:

Good play – but wrong – ha!

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Liar – you’re thinking about them now with their pointy teeth and rabid breath and independence of travel

Greg says:

Curse them to hell but still no – ha!

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Greg says:

Are you still there?

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Greg says:

OI!!!

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I’m back

Greg says:

Where the hell did you go?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Sorry – you were boring me so I got some coffee

Greg says:

Whoever said that honesty is always the best policy should have a talk with you

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Everyone should talk to me - I’m fascinating. Now I have caffeine I can put up with practically any level of tedium. Speak on...

Greg says:

Good then. Lawnmowers

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Lawnmowers?

Greg says:

Lawnmowers! With their loudness and tendency to be used by the kind of bastard that thinks of 7am as a natural time to start work

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

So you were woken up at 7 this morning and this has made you cranky?

Greg says:

I’d prefer the term “righteously indignant” to “cranky” but in principle - yes

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

But this is terrible. Silence the merry music and call catastrophe.

Greg says:

But this is great. Cos I thought you might consider it kind of trivial

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Oh don’t think that. 7am! I feel your pain. 7am every day in fact you revolting layabout filth

Greg says:

Its impossible to be a layabout when some disgusting welt-ridden old man is pushing a million decibels of evil around 1 garden down from your earhole

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I note you are managing the revolting filth part well enough all the same

Greg says:

It’s a matter of maintaining standards Ken. Its what separates us I fear

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

That and the ability to juggle

Greg says:

You can juggle?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I have no positive proof but yes

Greg says:

So can I

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hmm. Whistle?

Greg says:

Naturally.

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Okay. I have no irrational hatred of teenagers with dirtbikes sprung by my parents refusal to get me one when I was their age.

Greg says:

verminous roaches.

Conversation #27 – The Byatch

Kenny raises the subject of Byatchitude and is bitten on the ass

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Coffee break

Greg says:

Eh whir?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I am going to make coffee and on return we will debate why you are the byatch

Greg says:

Me the byatch? Bah! Ptooie! Pshaw! even

Greg says:

In fact you are the byatch. It is written

.

------------ LATER ------------------

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Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hi honey

Greg says:

Enough with the honey. And I quote “you’s the byatch – its written in the book – its written in the book in letters of bold – its written in your eyes - its written on your face – its written on your face in letters of blood”

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

persuasive argument – well researched – [sip]

Greg says:

Husht! I think we established that you are the byatch and I do not recall granting you license to speak

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I think all we established was that “the book” writes that somebody is a byatch and writes it in letters of bold. I don’t believe either of us is specifically implicated by that – though you are the byatch [sip]

Greg says:

Actually my quote only references “The Book” briefly – it was from 99 More Reasons why Kenny is a Byatch (2003) by A.J.C Schmitt

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

The same AJC Schmitt that wrote Memoirs of a Faeces Eating Hermit?

Greg says:

Not exactly – AJC Schmitt author of The Contemporary Role of the Byatch (2004), Byatch Wars: The Secret Army (2002) and cohost of TVs 100 Greatest Byatches (Channel 5, 2006)

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hmm yeah. I think he interviewed me once. Little fellow. Lots of hair. Curly hair. Kept sticking pencils in it when they went blunt.

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Its not like it was a long interview either

Greg says:

Perhaps a pencil sharpener nests there

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I hope so. He said the interview was for Heat the little byatch.

Greg says:

Does heat have an unpublished authors section?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Ouch. Well I think that officially makes me the byatch then. Don’t these things just come back to bite you on the ass.

Greg says:

Husht byatch!

Conversation #18 – That would explain the syringes in the porridge

In which Greg is not intelligent and Kenny gets bedonged with cerpitudes

Greg says:

Today

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

?

Greg says:

Today we shall..

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

I always wanted to

Greg says:

Address the ultimate question

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Which is...

Greg says:

I dunno

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Very HHGTG of you

Greg says:

Sorry. Just one of those days. I just ain’t feeling intelligent

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

On the bright side you are at least consistent

Greg says:

Har-har-harf

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Plus are referencing the classics

Greg says:

Would you call HHGTG classic?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Yes

Greg says:

Its only late 70s

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

People smoked pipes, ate fondue and wore bizarre clothes.

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Twas a different age

Greg says:

I guess if you use the word twas..

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

42. Ultimate question addressed

Greg says:

Then, geekitude of that comment aside, the subject of geekitude

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

What about it?

Greg says:

Whats better, geek or nerd?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Whats the difference?

Greg says:

I dunno

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

You aren’t handling today well are you?

Greg says:

El seemed to think that geeky was good and nerdy was bad.

Greg says:

Possibly the other way round

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

But whats the difference

Greg says:

I still don’t know.

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Shall we avoid the geekitude problem then?

Greg says:

Okay. Little of worth comes from concepts that require made-up words for accurate description

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

I don’t agree, but then I wouldn’t being bedonged with cerpitudes

Greg says:

Out of luck. I thought with the special ointment you’d be clean

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

They say it’s the least flurred case they’ve ever seen

Greg says:

Cool. Perhaps when you die the Royal College of Surgeons will purchase the body and have you stuffed

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

If they are polite enough to wait that long

Greg says:

You suspect there to be taxidermic assassins on your trail?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

It would explain the syringes in the porridge this morning

Greg says:

Lucky you. A little crunch in porridge never went amiss

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

I fear I have to go

Greg says:

Ta-ra

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

cheerio

Conversation #17 – Irrefutable Character Faults

In which Kenny gets In The Pink and we both get excessively maudlin.

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Hey

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Hey

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Oi!

Greg says:

Oi wat? And whats with the pink?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Are you ignoring me or what?

Greg says:

No. Was doing stuff. And whats with the pink?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Your never busy slacker. And its Breast Cancer Awareness month

Greg says:

Just cos I don’t have set hours for being busy...

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Just cos you’re a slacker

Greg says:

Whats got up yau ass?

Greg says:

figuratively

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

You ignoring me for one

Greg says:

Don’t care about that. What about two?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Dunno.

Greg says:

Bull. Quit holding bakc

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

I’m insufficiently in touch with my inner me

Greg says:

How do you figure that?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

I didn’t – had to be told

Greg says:

Message from God?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Message from Em in fact

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

it was written on the sky in ten foot letters of flame though

Greg says:

I reckon some e-mail must have gone round

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

On fire writing?

Greg says:

Re: Keeping your man in check with unrefutable character faults

Greg says:

El hit me with arrogant a couple of weeks ago

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Can’t deny it

Greg says:

Not without appearing arrogant

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Or non-self aware

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Bleeding induction

Greg says:

Curse all philosophers

Greg says:

Got to say I didn’t handle it well though

Greg says:

kinda laughed in her face

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

There are bad moves and bad moves..

Greg says:

I was under stress

Greg says:

what did you do?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Stuttered a bit then ended the conversation ASAP

Greg says:

I sit in awe

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

You’d think that breaking up should end that kind of thing

Greg says:

Yeah but then I’m single

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

And I’m insufficiently self aware to judge others

Greg says:

curses

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

sign

Greg says:

Do you mean sigh?

Kenny, fair Kenny says:

Piss off