Conversation #28 – The Hate

Greg reveals a great sorrow and is distained for his pains

Greg says:

Do you know what I hate?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Yep – teenagers with dirtbikes

Greg says:

That’s true. Filthy rodents. But it ain’t topical. Do you know what I hate right now?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Well my guess is that whether or not you were hating something a minute back you are now thinking about kids on dirtbikes

Greg says:

Good play – but wrong – ha!

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Liar – you’re thinking about them now with their pointy teeth and rabid breath and independence of travel

Greg says:

Curse them to hell but still no – ha!

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Greg says:

Are you still there?

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Greg says:

OI!!!

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I’m back

Greg says:

Where the hell did you go?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Sorry – you were boring me so I got some coffee

Greg says:

Whoever said that honesty is always the best policy should have a talk with you

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Everyone should talk to me - I’m fascinating. Now I have caffeine I can put up with practically any level of tedium. Speak on...

Greg says:

Good then. Lawnmowers

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Lawnmowers?

Greg says:

Lawnmowers! With their loudness and tendency to be used by the kind of bastard that thinks of 7am as a natural time to start work

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

So you were woken up at 7 this morning and this has made you cranky?

Greg says:

I’d prefer the term “righteously indignant” to “cranky” but in principle - yes

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

But this is terrible. Silence the merry music and call catastrophe.

Greg says:

But this is great. Cos I thought you might consider it kind of trivial

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Oh don’t think that. 7am! I feel your pain. 7am every day in fact you revolting layabout filth

Greg says:

Its impossible to be a layabout when some disgusting welt-ridden old man is pushing a million decibels of evil around 1 garden down from your earhole

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I note you are managing the revolting filth part well enough all the same

Greg says:

It’s a matter of maintaining standards Ken. Its what separates us I fear

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

That and the ability to juggle

Greg says:

You can juggle?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I have no positive proof but yes

Greg says:

So can I

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hmm. Whistle?

Greg says:

Naturally.

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Okay. I have no irrational hatred of teenagers with dirtbikes sprung by my parents refusal to get me one when I was their age.

Greg says:

verminous roaches.

Conversation #26 – The Metaphorical News

Kenny breaks some news and metaphorical barriers are broken

Greg says:

Today we play another game

Kenny vs Kenny says:

No we don’t

Greg says:

Yes we do

Kenny vs Kenny says:

No we DON’T for today I break news

Greg says:

Very well. But this had better be incredible news

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Oh it is – so much so that I shall leave you for a minute with only the phrase “so she said its Ch’unch’on or death” and go and get myself coffee

Greg says:

Wait a sec

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Yep?

Greg says:

Okay - you can go now

Kenny vs Kenny says:

good of you

.

------------10 Minutes later.-------------------

.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I return

Greg says:

With coffee?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

With coffee and news

Greg says:

Keep them both. The window for news has closed.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Which window – where window?

Greg says:

The window that went “oo oo I’m closing” five minutes after you said you’d be away for a minute.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Oh that window. Well if its shut then I guess I can’t tell you

Greg says:

It’s a shame cos you got me really tantalised

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Doubly because it’s the kind of news that you’d really appreciate

Greg says:

When the window is shut the window is shut and what is a man to do?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Wise words. Of course I could shout

Greg says:

Unfortunately it is not a real window. Your words would get lost in the transference to metaphor

Kenny vs Kenny says:

That’s fine. I was only going to metaphorically shout anyway

Greg says:

In any case the window appears to be double glazed

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Metaphorically or really?

Greg says:

How exactly do you envisage a metaphorical window with real double glazing?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I don’t think I did - the window is your metaphor

Greg says:

Actually the double glazing is my metaphor – the window just came as part of the package

Kenny vs Kenny says:

But if it hadn’t then surely you would have had to provide your own metaphorical window – otherwise it would just be single glazing

Greg says:

thats true but the window is more a display stand for the metaphor than an active component of metaphor itself

Kenny vs Kenny says:

So the window is metaphorically ownerless

Greg says:

Actually the metaphorical window is actually ownerless.

Greg says:

You said it was metaphorically ownerless – big difference

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Freak. In any case I claim the metaphorical window and open it

Greg says:

You can’t – the metaphorical double glazing is in the way

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Okay then I smash the window

Greg says:

vandal

Kenny vs Kenny says:

SIS GOT THE JOB – SHE’S OFF TO SOUTH KOREA WITHIN THE WEEK

Conversation #25 – The Game

The Game is played riffing on the letter P. For those who care OED is the Oxford English Dictionary and Chambers is another dictionary and the favoured child of crossword fanatics, Scrabble professionals and other word gaming freaks.

Greg says:

Today we play a game

Kenny vs Kenny says:

We do?

Greg says:

We do

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Did you have a particular game in mind

Greg says:

Not so much

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I would suggest that tennis is out

Greg says:

It’s the geography isn’t it

Kenny vs Kenny says:

That and my wrist

Greg says:

So squash and badminton are out too

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Until my wrist improves and there is a distance of less that 100 miles between us

Greg says:

Plus I haven’t booked a court. Very well. Some game over the net

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I think we both know the game

Greg says:

You mean......The Game?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

If you wish

Greg says:

But who will start

Kenny vs Kenny says:

It was your suggestion

Greg says:

My suggestion was a game not The Game

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Rubbish.

Greg says:

Where do I say The Game above?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Nowhere specific – except in every nuance of every letter of every word you cry The, The, The like a stuttering pianist trying to say Velcro

Greg says:

In that case I suppose I’d better start - Parallel

Kenny vs Kenny says:

paraplegic

Greg says:

Are you sure?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

absolutely

Greg says:

Final answer

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Quit with the stalling – this isn’t millionaire

Greg says:

Parade!!!!!

Kenny vs Kenny says:

bugger

Greg says:

Mwahahaha 1-0 and I get to say.. your start

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Git - penniless

Greg says:

parsonage

Kenny vs Kenny says:

pentagonal

Greg says:

politics

Kenny vs Kenny says:

potion

Greg says:

portcullis

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I wag my finger at you

Greg says:

portcullises

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Good - phishing

Greg says:

You can’t have phishing

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Its in the OED

Greg says:

Like hell

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Do you wish to challenge?

Greg says:

I think for the sake of my honour I must

Kenny vs Kenny says:

damn

Greg says:

I knew it!

Kenny vs Kenny says:

No. I read that its in there just OED is a pay site. Will you accept Chambers?

Greg says:

OK

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Curses

Greg says:

Not in Chambers?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

The Scrabble Wordchecker™ says not

Greg says:

ha

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Okay already - pheremone

Greg says:

plasterboard

Kenny vs Kenny says:

pseudonym

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I’m gonna have to hurry you

Kenny vs Kenny says:

In a minute I’m gone

Greg says:

Fine, fine. You win this time but if it weren’t for those meddling kids I woulda gotten away with it.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Kids?

Greg says:

No one you know – ta ra

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Cheerio

Conversation #24 – The Unprincipled and Venal

Greg says:

This world is full of the unprincipled and venal

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

There’s truth. Can you give me time out for five mins

Greg says:

Very well

.

.

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

[ahhhhh]

Greg says:

Eh?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Black as hell, strong as death and sweet as an angels kiss

Greg says:

I repeat – eh?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Turkish guide to good coffee – black as hell, strong as death, sweet as an angels kiss

Greg says:

Is hell particularly black? – I thought of it as more fiery. Sulphur and brimstone and that

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Hells a big place – there’s room for both I expect

Greg says:

So why pick something that’s only black in spots? You wouldn’t go for black as a leopard

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Perhaps it’s a translation thing. Either way doesn’t alter the fact that the steaming cup in front of me is black as the blacker parts of hell, strong as death and bitter as an ex-wife’s peck on the cheek

Greg says:

Needs to be snappier - the ex-wife bit ain’t bad though

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Meh. Plus irrelevant to the younger generation

Greg says:

Are we not the younger generation?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Not really.

Greg says:

I guess not – when did that happen?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Not sure to be honest – I think they must have changed the boundaries somehow

Greg says:

So 28 no longer counts as youthful?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Did it ever?

Greg says:

[sigh]

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

[sigh]

Greg says:

On the subject of which the world is full of the unprincipled and venal

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

The subject of what?

Greg says:

Square brackets [glares]

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

And how do they relate to the unprincipled and venal

Greg says:

Because you derailed this conversation with [ahhhhh] above to yammer on about Turkish coffee

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Not Turkish coffee. Turkish proverbs. The coffee is italian

Greg says:

The nationality of the coffee is irrelevant and does not effect the degree to which the world is packed with the unprincipled and venal

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

The nationality of coffee always matters. Anyhow I’ve gotta go. cu

Greg says:

You bastard

Conversation #22 – Big Game Hunters and Botanists

The bleakness of human existence is discussed along with suitable professions to pick-up girls.

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

You claim to be a scientist

Greg says:

Sometimes. It’s a crappy line though.

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

True. Hasn’t quite got the masculine grrr of big game hunter

Greg says:

That alienates the animal crowd though

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Lumberjack?

Greg says:

Greenies

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

How about millionaire playboy seeking stable relationship

Greg says:

Theoretically good but not hugely believable

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Not the way you dress

Greg says:

I might be able to pull off eccentric millionaire playboy

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Does that beat big game hunter?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Or unemployed bum for that matter

Greg says:

I dunno. Perhaps there’s a website

Greg says:

Did you start with a point by the way?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

I did

Greg says:

Good

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Yes

Greg says:

Do you wish to share it?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Yes

Greg says:

&?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Can’t remember

Greg says:

Good

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

I’ll get back to you

LATER

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Okay – You claim to be a scientist

Greg says:

No. Millionaire playboy me

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Wearing those shoes?

Greg says:

Eccentric millionaire

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Fine. Let us suppose you were a scientist though

Greg says:

Ok. Any particular kind?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

I’m easy. How about a botanist?

Greg says:

Very well... for purposes of this conversation I’m a botanist

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Am I going crazy or is it the whole world?

Greg says:

Woah – big question

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

No one said botany was going to be easy

Greg says:

Do you include yourself in the whole world?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Ok. Me, the whole world or the whole world excluding me?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

Look either I’m nuts or the whole of the rest of the people in this office have to be

Greg says:

This doesn’t sound good

Greg says:

Plus its more choices. How about everyone is sane and it’s the organisation that is crazy

Greg says:

I keep being told that any corporation, psychologically, would be considered a sociopath

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

You’re a botanist remember – quit with the sociology

Greg says:

Fair enough – check your boss for greenfly and get back to me

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

That’s pathetic

Greg says:

Really?

The Kenny of the Seven Veils says:

really

Greg says:

Well I’m a millionaire playboy. What do I know?

Conversation #21 – Glory and Respect

Victory is shouted from the rooftops in accordance with custom and we end not with a bang but a whimper

Greg says:

Hear this today

Greg says:

all people of all nations hear me

The Mona Kenny says:

morning

Greg says:

Sing it loud and sing it proud

The Mona Kenny says:

Oh no. no singing.

Greg says:

Are you really going to criticise my singing ability?

The Mona Kenny says:

Nope. My own.

The Mona Kenny says:

If I hear I’m going to be singing I try to be in a different room

Greg says:

On its way to epigramhood but it ain’t there yet

The Mona Kenny says:

If I was wearing my smoking jacket you’d be in real trouble bud

Greg says:

Either way we are evading the point. Shout it from the rooftops...

Greg says:

Let the heralds proclaim...

The Mona Kenny says:

Yada-yada-yada

Greg says:

We won the pub quiz!

The Mona Kenny says:

That is the wow?

Greg says:

And we didn’t cheat!

The Mona Kenny says:

That is a wow

The Mona Kenny says:

Any other entrants?

Greg says:

scores

The Mona Kenny says:

And these entrants. Anything wrong with them

Greg says:

No. and you will not ruin my day of carnival

The Mona Kenny says:

Is that a challenge?

Greg says:

Not really. In fact it’s a grown man doing a little dance

The Mona Kenny says:

And what did you win for your triumph?

Greg says:

Glory + respect + £14

The Mona Kenny says:

Was that you personally or you as a team?

Greg says:

As a team – divied up I got £3 (plus Glory and Respect)

The Mona Kenny says:

Off a stake of?

Greg says:

£1 (plus no Glory and little Respect)

The Mona Kenny says:

Basically you won a pint then

Greg says:

In London? Gotta be kidding.

Greg says:

But glory and respectwise I’m in the bank.

The Mona Kenny says:

Well congratulations then. I will contact one of my agents down there to pat you on the head

Greg says:

Thanks - but could you clap me on the back instead, the hair you know

The Mona Kenny says:

Very well. To maintain the balance you will be clapped on the back but by a kind of camp agent with a bunch of daffodils

Greg says:

You know I can’t see that boosting either my level of Glory or Respect

The Mona Kenny says:

Possibly not but Infamy-wise you’ll get a fillip

Greg says:

Maybe but I’d rate Glory and Respect over infamy any day

The Mona Kenny says:

What’s wrong with infamy?

Greg says:

Lots of people are infamous but I wouldn’t want to be them.

The Mona Kenny says:

You say that now but Casanova was infamous

Greg says:

So was john-wayne bobbit

The Mona Kenny says:

Point taken

The Mona Kenny says:

So to speak

Greg says:

[whimper]