Conversation #30 – Abuse and No Bears

Its banter and I just ran with it OK?

I am not some ugly whistling stinky version of Patrick Swayze.

Greg says:

Quality goods at low, low prices

Greg says:

Uncredible sale – must end soon!!!

Kenny second now says:

Alright already. Just give me a minute

Greg says:

Minute granted – but I’ll be whistling while I’m waiting

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_________5 MINUTES LATER____________

.

Greg says:

Money back if not 100% satisfied. Are you avoiding me?

Kenny second now says:

Hell yeah. You’re ugly, stinky and your whistling is beginning to grate.

Greg says:

Fair point. Though its not impossible to ignore the whistling and any real friend would. I guess we’d better talk about bears then

Kenny second now says:

I do ignore the whistling. I mean I’m willing to. But it’s a cumulative thing. Could you perhaps alternate between being ugly, stinky and the whistling?

Greg says:

I’ll try – though I would think that the fact you can neither see, hear or smell me would help

Kenny second now says:

What can I say – I have a lucid imagination

Greg says:

So if you imagine I’m not stinky ugly and whistling would that work?

Kenny second now says:

Theoretically yes – its just not a believable scenario I fear

Kenny second now says:

I mean take away your ugliness stink and whistling and what have you got?

Greg says:

I don’t know

Kenny second now says:

Nor do I – it looks kind of like Patrick Swayze though

Greg says:

I don’t look like Patrick Swayze

Kenny second now says:

There’s my point. Take away the ugly stinky whilstlitude and your essence goes with it

Greg says:

But without the ugly stinky whistling you see me as Patrick Swayze? It must be these dancers’ legs of mine

Kenny second now says:

Saying that its more Kurt Russell from this angle

Greg says:

Perhaps if you downgraded the stinkiness and concentrated on the left side of my face – its more photogenic

Kenny second now says:

My left or your left?

Greg says:

My left – and turn down your imaginary lighting a bit

Kenny second now says:

Well I wouldn’t say it actually fixes the ugly but you ain’t hideously ugly from that side

Greg says:

Thanks ken – that means a lot from you

Kenny second now says:

I guess it isn’t exactly you but close enough that it can’t be anyone else

Greg says:

Can we talk about bears now?

Kenny second now says:

No

Greg says:

How come? – the black bear is particularly fascinating

Kenny second now says:

Cos I’ve gotta go – cu

Conversation #29 – Eunuchs and efficiency

Greg says:

What are you doing?

Kenny second now says:

I am sitting at my desk – drinking coffee and watching the world

Greg says:

And they say men can’t multitask

Kenny second now says:

Who do?

Greg says:

Well women mostly – some ladyboys too - perhaps the odd eunuch.

Kenny second now says:

Hemaphrodites?

Greg says:

Hermaphrodites – it has an R – I counted them in the lady boy category

Kenny second now says:

Ladyboys aren’t hermaphroditic are they? I thought they were transsexuals

Greg says:

Well yes – fine – change above to women mostly – some persons of unconventional gender – perhaps the odd eunuch

Kenny second now says:

And this is ‘they’

Greg says:

Pretty much

Kenny second now says:

Cheeky buggers

Greg says:

Exactly – and you there sitting, drinking, watching and typing practically simultaneously

Kenny second now says:

You know how all the servants in some palaces used to be eunuchs

Greg says:

Yeah. Well kind of – which palaces?

Kenny second now says:

I don’t know – any palaces – what does it matter?

Greg says:

Well if they are just a myth it matters a good deal

Kenny second now says:

Wikipedia Eunuch – they were real – they were all over the place

Kenny second now says:

Were they employed because they could multitask?

Greg says:

Lol. Theres a self help book waiting to be written
Kenny second now says:

Improved personal efficiency – Nature’s Way? (bolt-cutters not included)

Greg says:

The Black-and-Decker guide to success

Kenny second now says:

Spay your way to riches

Greg says:

Nice. Have you got a suggestion box at work?

Conversations Without Kenny

Its about 12.15 and we get ourselves a break from Kenny

Greg says:

Good morning fair maiden

Alpha female says:

It’s gone midday G but hey anyway

Greg says:

And it isn’t even notably good – good morning or mediocre afternoon: your choice

Alpha female says:

I take them both then and blend up a good afternoon

Greg says:

You can’t do that. Choice – choose – either or – no cake and eating it too

Alpha female says:

I can do it. I have done it. I will do it again.

Greg says:

Fine – you know full well that it isn’t afternoon anyway

Alpha female says:

Noon is 12pm. It is after 12pm. Noon is past. It is after noon. Do you want a picture?

Greg says:

Afternoons existed long before 12pm existed and you know as well as I do that afternoon doesn’t start until after lunch.

Alpha female says:

I’ve already eaten

Greg says:

Liar

Alpha female says:

Type that again – I dare ya

Greg says:

Fine – you’ve eaten - but whatever you ate wasn’t lunch

Alpha female says:

It was an egg-mayo sandwich, some potato salad, a banana and a cup of tea – how is that not a lunch?

Greg says:

Timing – at best we are talking brunch

Alpha female says:

Crap – it was a early lunch meeting – if it had been brunch it would have been altogether less nasty

Alpha female says:

There would have been pain au chocolat and OJ and a butch Albanian caterer wearing only an apron and bow tie

Greg says:

You can’t trust everything you see on TV you know

Alpha female says:

He’s called Janos – and the apron twitches as he wallks

Greg says:

He’s got a hairy back and stubby fingers

Alpha female says:

Hoi. Out of this fantasy now.

Greg says:

You made it public domain - odd how much Janos looks like your dad don’t you think?

Alpha female says:

Time to go I think

Greg says:

Ta-ra Tara

Alpha female says:

The originality of that joke overwhelms me. Be gone

Greg says:

Oh! One last thing

Alpha female says:

yes

Greg says:

Did you get that banana specifically to freak out the male members of your meeting?

Alpha female says:

I ain’t saying a word

Greg says:

I knew it!!

Conversation #28 – The Hate

Greg reveals a great sorrow and is distained for his pains

Greg says:

Do you know what I hate?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Yep – teenagers with dirtbikes

Greg says:

That’s true. Filthy rodents. But it ain’t topical. Do you know what I hate right now?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Well my guess is that whether or not you were hating something a minute back you are now thinking about kids on dirtbikes

Greg says:

Good play – but wrong – ha!

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Liar – you’re thinking about them now with their pointy teeth and rabid breath and independence of travel

Greg says:

Curse them to hell but still no – ha!

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Greg says:

Are you still there?

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Greg says:

OI!!!

---------2 mins----------(ish)

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I’m back

Greg says:

Where the hell did you go?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Sorry – you were boring me so I got some coffee

Greg says:

Whoever said that honesty is always the best policy should have a talk with you

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Everyone should talk to me - I’m fascinating. Now I have caffeine I can put up with practically any level of tedium. Speak on...

Greg says:

Good then. Lawnmowers

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Lawnmowers?

Greg says:

Lawnmowers! With their loudness and tendency to be used by the kind of bastard that thinks of 7am as a natural time to start work

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

So you were woken up at 7 this morning and this has made you cranky?

Greg says:

I’d prefer the term “righteously indignant” to “cranky” but in principle - yes

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

But this is terrible. Silence the merry music and call catastrophe.

Greg says:

But this is great. Cos I thought you might consider it kind of trivial

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Oh don’t think that. 7am! I feel your pain. 7am every day in fact you revolting layabout filth

Greg says:

Its impossible to be a layabout when some disgusting welt-ridden old man is pushing a million decibels of evil around 1 garden down from your earhole

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I note you are managing the revolting filth part well enough all the same

Greg says:

It’s a matter of maintaining standards Ken. Its what separates us I fear

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

That and the ability to juggle

Greg says:

You can juggle?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I have no positive proof but yes

Greg says:

So can I

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hmm. Whistle?

Greg says:

Naturally.

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Okay. I have no irrational hatred of teenagers with dirtbikes sprung by my parents refusal to get me one when I was their age.

Greg says:

verminous roaches.

Conversation #27 – The Byatch

Kenny raises the subject of Byatchitude and is bitten on the ass

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Coffee break

Greg says:

Eh whir?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I am going to make coffee and on return we will debate why you are the byatch

Greg says:

Me the byatch? Bah! Ptooie! Pshaw! even

Greg says:

In fact you are the byatch. It is written

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------------ LATER ------------------

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Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hi honey

Greg says:

Enough with the honey. And I quote “you’s the byatch – its written in the book – its written in the book in letters of bold – its written in your eyes - its written on your face – its written on your face in letters of blood”

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

persuasive argument – well researched – [sip]

Greg says:

Husht! I think we established that you are the byatch and I do not recall granting you license to speak

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I think all we established was that “the book” writes that somebody is a byatch and writes it in letters of bold. I don’t believe either of us is specifically implicated by that – though you are the byatch [sip]

Greg says:

Actually my quote only references “The Book” briefly – it was from 99 More Reasons why Kenny is a Byatch (2003) by A.J.C Schmitt

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

The same AJC Schmitt that wrote Memoirs of a Faeces Eating Hermit?

Greg says:

Not exactly – AJC Schmitt author of The Contemporary Role of the Byatch (2004), Byatch Wars: The Secret Army (2002) and cohost of TVs 100 Greatest Byatches (Channel 5, 2006)

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Hmm yeah. I think he interviewed me once. Little fellow. Lots of hair. Curly hair. Kept sticking pencils in it when they went blunt.

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Its not like it was a long interview either

Greg says:

Perhaps a pencil sharpener nests there

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

I hope so. He said the interview was for Heat the little byatch.

Greg says:

Does heat have an unpublished authors section?

Dr Kenny - Medicine Woman says:

Ouch. Well I think that officially makes me the byatch then. Don’t these things just come back to bite you on the ass.

Greg says:

Husht byatch!

Conversation #26 – The Metaphorical News

Kenny breaks some news and metaphorical barriers are broken

Greg says:

Today we play another game

Kenny vs Kenny says:

No we don’t

Greg says:

Yes we do

Kenny vs Kenny says:

No we DON’T for today I break news

Greg says:

Very well. But this had better be incredible news

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Oh it is – so much so that I shall leave you for a minute with only the phrase “so she said its Ch’unch’on or death” and go and get myself coffee

Greg says:

Wait a sec

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Yep?

Greg says:

Okay - you can go now

Kenny vs Kenny says:

good of you

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------------10 Minutes later.-------------------

.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I return

Greg says:

With coffee?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

With coffee and news

Greg says:

Keep them both. The window for news has closed.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Which window – where window?

Greg says:

The window that went “oo oo I’m closing” five minutes after you said you’d be away for a minute.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Oh that window. Well if its shut then I guess I can’t tell you

Greg says:

It’s a shame cos you got me really tantalised

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Doubly because it’s the kind of news that you’d really appreciate

Greg says:

When the window is shut the window is shut and what is a man to do?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Wise words. Of course I could shout

Greg says:

Unfortunately it is not a real window. Your words would get lost in the transference to metaphor

Kenny vs Kenny says:

That’s fine. I was only going to metaphorically shout anyway

Greg says:

In any case the window appears to be double glazed

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Metaphorically or really?

Greg says:

How exactly do you envisage a metaphorical window with real double glazing?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I don’t think I did - the window is your metaphor

Greg says:

Actually the double glazing is my metaphor – the window just came as part of the package

Kenny vs Kenny says:

But if it hadn’t then surely you would have had to provide your own metaphorical window – otherwise it would just be single glazing

Greg says:

thats true but the window is more a display stand for the metaphor than an active component of metaphor itself

Kenny vs Kenny says:

So the window is metaphorically ownerless

Greg says:

Actually the metaphorical window is actually ownerless.

Greg says:

You said it was metaphorically ownerless – big difference

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Freak. In any case I claim the metaphorical window and open it

Greg says:

You can’t – the metaphorical double glazing is in the way

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Okay then I smash the window

Greg says:

vandal

Kenny vs Kenny says:

SIS GOT THE JOB – SHE’S OFF TO SOUTH KOREA WITHIN THE WEEK

Conversation #25 – The Game

The Game is played riffing on the letter P. For those who care OED is the Oxford English Dictionary and Chambers is another dictionary and the favoured child of crossword fanatics, Scrabble professionals and other word gaming freaks.

Greg says:

Today we play a game

Kenny vs Kenny says:

We do?

Greg says:

We do

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Did you have a particular game in mind

Greg says:

Not so much

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I would suggest that tennis is out

Greg says:

It’s the geography isn’t it

Kenny vs Kenny says:

That and my wrist

Greg says:

So squash and badminton are out too

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Until my wrist improves and there is a distance of less that 100 miles between us

Greg says:

Plus I haven’t booked a court. Very well. Some game over the net

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I think we both know the game

Greg says:

You mean......The Game?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

If you wish

Greg says:

But who will start

Kenny vs Kenny says:

It was your suggestion

Greg says:

My suggestion was a game not The Game

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Rubbish.

Greg says:

Where do I say The Game above?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Nowhere specific – except in every nuance of every letter of every word you cry The, The, The like a stuttering pianist trying to say Velcro

Greg says:

In that case I suppose I’d better start - Parallel

Kenny vs Kenny says:

paraplegic

Greg says:

Are you sure?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

absolutely

Greg says:

Final answer

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Quit with the stalling – this isn’t millionaire

Greg says:

Parade!!!!!

Kenny vs Kenny says:

bugger

Greg says:

Mwahahaha 1-0 and I get to say.. your start

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Git - penniless

Greg says:

parsonage

Kenny vs Kenny says:

pentagonal

Greg says:

politics

Kenny vs Kenny says:

potion

Greg says:

portcullis

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I wag my finger at you

Greg says:

portcullises

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Good - phishing

Greg says:

You can’t have phishing

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Its in the OED

Greg says:

Like hell

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Do you wish to challenge?

Greg says:

I think for the sake of my honour I must

Kenny vs Kenny says:

damn

Greg says:

I knew it!

Kenny vs Kenny says:

No. I read that its in there just OED is a pay site. Will you accept Chambers?

Greg says:

OK

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Curses

Greg says:

Not in Chambers?

Kenny vs Kenny says:

The Scrabble Wordchecker™ says not

Greg says:

ha

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Okay already - pheremone

Greg says:

plasterboard

Kenny vs Kenny says:

pseudonym

Kenny vs Kenny says:

I’m gonna have to hurry you

Kenny vs Kenny says:

In a minute I’m gone

Greg says:

Fine, fine. You win this time but if it weren’t for those meddling kids I woulda gotten away with it.

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Kids?

Greg says:

No one you know – ta ra

Kenny vs Kenny says:

Cheerio